


Onions, Cannibals, and a Fifth Wheel

by HuaFeiHua



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: "actual cannibal shia labeouf" is a thing, AS A JOKE THE HUMAN SACRIFICE IS A JOKE IN-UNIVERSE, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, F/M, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Human Sacrifice, I'm not sorry, Memes, everyone pokes a bit of fun at jean at some point, fourth wall? what fourth wall, i swear i'm a serious writer, memes everywhere, narrator narrates stupid things, rapid setting changes, really really really bad jokes, there're probably slurs in here at some point and i'm sorry if i didn't catch them, way more cussing than there should be, written at 12 am off meds so uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 09:59:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8441296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuaFeiHua/pseuds/HuaFeiHua
Summary: All Jean wanted to do was hang out with his friends Eren, Mikasa, Connie, and Sasha, but the appearance of actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf derails their plans more than a little bit... 10,000% crack, and I am not sorry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i swear i'm a serious writer!!! but i was off my meds when writing this, so, uh, maybe i went a little loopy after a while hehe. honestly, i hope y'all are ready for the sheer amount of stupidity that's in this fic, cuz don't say i didn't warn ya: shit i forgot my warning. darn meds.

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ It was just another regular Saturday morning. Jean was eating a banana as he crossed the street when suddenly, a random dog ran out of nowhere and bit Jean in the thigh. _

“Ow!” he screamed, and dropped his banana peel on the road as he kicked his leg up ridiculously high, which flung the dog into the ionosphere.

Jean was vaguely sure he heard someone scream, “TEAM ROCKET’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN,” but then again, he couldn’t be sure.

He walked into the restaurant across the street, where he was meeting up with a couple of his friends for lunch.

He had just sat down with his friends Eren, Mikasa, Sasha, and Connie, who were on a double date and decided to invite Jean along to freeload despite the fact that there would be nothing to freeload off of since Sasha would eat everyone’s leftovers in less than a second anyway because they felt bad for his inability to get a girlfriend and together decided he needed some exposure to GOOD COUPLES™.

“Hi guys,” he said and slid into the booth to join his friends. Mikasa suddenly paused from scrolling on her phone.

“SOMEONE MADE A CLARINET DUET OF THE NORAGAMI OPENING I LOVE THE INTERNET!” she screamed. Jean looked at her funny.

“Mikasa, you play the French ho-,” Eren began out through a mouthful of fries, but there was the sudden muffled sound of ‘ _ Gasolina _ ’ being played in the distance as a semi truck full of onions crashed right into the booth in front of the group. Onions spilled out everywhere and were crushed by the feet of now screaming civilians. All was in chaos, but our protagonists just stood there and did nothing.

“What the fuck just happened,” Sasha said.

“I, uhh, may or may not have been eating a banana-” Jean began.

“ _ BUT THEN JEAN WAS BITTEN IN THE THIGH BY A RANDOM DOG _ ,” the  **_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]_ ** interrupted.

Eren’s eyes were suddenly filled with rage, not that they usually weren’t anyway, and he began to scream in German. “ _ WARUM ZUM TEUFEL MÖCHTEN SIE EINEN HUNDEBISS OBERSCHNEKELS WELCHE ART VON RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT LET IST, DASS… _ ”

“ _ WHY WOULD YOU DROP A BANANA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET _ ?” Connie yelled.

“ _ ‘EIN HUND BIT SO MEINE HÜFTE LIEß ICH MEINE BANANE UND EINER ZWIEBEL TRUCK EINSTIMMEN’.” _

“ _ IDK MAN A DOG CAME UP TO ME AND-”  _ Jean began.

“- _ A RABID BANANA-EATING DOG BIT JEAN IN THE THIGH _ ,” the  **_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]_ ** cut in again. 

_ A rabid banana-eating dog ran into the demolished diner and bit Jean in the thigh. _

“ _ AUF IHM SLIPPED UND IN DIE DINER ABGESTÜRZT IST. WIE, WAS ZUM TEUFEL. MEINE FREUNDIN IST VON ZWIEBELEN TEARS HALB BLIND. SINE SIE ZUFRIEDEN JEAN. SIND SIE ZUFRIEDEN!! _ ”

Suddenly, Sasha’s eyes filled with tears from all the onion stench. “Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fUcK, man, I’m going blind,” she said before she passed out.

“Sasha!” Connie cried, then looked at his friends, who were still doing nothing. He glared at them.

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ Connie kicks all his friends in the thigh all at the same time. Don’t ask how. It looked gross. _

“Guys! Help me!” he said.

“Do what?” Jean asked.

Mikasa suddenly couldn’t hold it in anymore. She started bawling.

“How come it’s only the girls that are crying in here, now that I think about it,” Eren wondered aloud. Connie picked up an onion and sniffed it. Nothing happened to his eyes.

“Oh my god, I think they’re shoujo onions!” Jean yelled. “They’re the onions producers use when filming shoujo animes to make their characters cry!”

“Jean,” Eren patiently said. “Animes are animated.”

“Don’t we live in an anime?” Connie pointed out.

“Oh yeah. We do, don’t we. We live in that one with all the grisly titans and shit. Remind me again, why are we here in a modern world?” Eren said.

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Jean.

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Connie.

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said their waiter.

“How are you guys doing that?”

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Jean.

“You know what, fuck it. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go to that Chinese restaurant down the street; I think I’m starting to cry, too.”

“That’s  _ racist _ ,” Connie said.

“How is that  _ racist _ ?”

“Not all Asian restaurants are Chinese.”

“Connie. It says so right there. ‘ 中國火鍋 .’ Chinese Hot Pot.”

“ _ How can  _ you _ read Chinese _ ?!?!?!?!?!?!???”

“Connie.  _ I’ve been taking Mandarin for the last three years in high school _ .  _ You’ve _ been taking Mandarin for the last three years in high school.  _ We’ve all _ been taking Mandarin for the last three years of high school. ‘ _ Zhōng gūo huŏ guō’ _ isn’t that hard to read.”

“Oh right. But you forget, I’d  _ kind of have to CARRY MY DATE  _ there, since she  _ passed out from all the onions yanno _ , and she ain’t exactly a lightweight.”

“Don’t worry, we have Mikasa; she’s the strongest of all of us,” Jean pointed out.

“I cAn’T SeE WiTh ThEsE tEaRs,” Mikasa wept.

“Hmm, looks like help from  _ my _ girlfriend is out of the question, too. Such a shame, she’s so badass,” Eren commented.

“FOREVER ALOOOONE~”

“Shut up, Jean, no one cares,” Eren and Connie said in unison. Their dates were both only semi-conscious on the ground, their eyes still watering involuntarily.

All around them people were screaming and crying. And yet, Jean could have  _ sworn _ he heard someone whisper,  _ Shia Labeouf _ . 

“Did someone just whisper ‘ _ Shia Labeouf _ ’?” Jean asked.

“No,” said Eren.

“No,” said Connie.

“ _ HeLp mE _ ,” cried Mikasa.

“She’s right, we should get out of here,” Eren decided, then crouched down so that his girlfriend could piggyback ride him. “We’re going to that Chinese restaurant down the street, and  _ no _ , Connie, calling it a ‘Chinese restaurant’ is  _ not _ racist.”

“Right, right,” Connie agreed, slinging Sasha’s arm over his shoulder and supporting her as they limped towards the exit.

As they exited the wall of  _ pure onion fumes _ , the girls began to regain some semblance of consciousness. Sasha blinked away her still flowing tears and squinted into the distance. Vaguely familiar music began to faintly play all around them. 

“ _ You’re walking in the woods. There’s no one around, and your phone is dead, _ ” Rob Cantor’s voice narrates from thin air. 

“I’m pretty sure we’re not in the woods and we are  _ definitely  _ not all alone,” Jean sourly said.

“Shush!” Sasha harshly shushed. “You do not mess with  _ the curse of Shia LaBeouf _ !!!!!”

“The curse of Shia Labeouf?” Mikasa dubiously asked, her voice still wobbly and raspy from all the shoujo onion fumes that they had just escaped.

“Yeah!” Connie chimed in. “If someone whispers  _ Shia Labeouf _ , then  _ Shia LaBeouf _ himself will come as an actual cannibal!!”

“Uhh,” everyone else said in unison.

A stage dropped down from the sky, landing with a gargantuan  _ THUD! _ noise behind them. Out of the corners of their eyes, they spot him:  _ SHIA LABEOUF!!! _

“ _ He’s following you, about thirty feet back, _ ” Rob Cantor continued, but Eren looked up at the sky, where the  **_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]_ ** resided.

“Can you shut up?” he demanded.

“ _ If you insist, _ ”  **_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]_ ** grumbled, dropping the Rob Cantor voice, and fell silent.

Curtains fell from the sky, hanging off of nothing as dancers slid down them, somehow pole dancing on them without poles.

“Oh shit, is that Shia LeBeouf?”

『我不知道啊！我 _ 是哭哭 _ ，』 Mikasa snapped at him in Chinese, clutching onto his guiding hand for dear life, almost breaking every bone in it.

“Whaaat? The readers can’t read Chinese!” Sasha yelled.

“I SAID ‘ _ I DON’T KNOW; I’M  _ **_CRYING_ ** .’”

Jean didn’t even bother to look back to see if it really was Shia following them, he just broke into a full-out sprint.

“Wait for me! I’m not in track!!” Connie wheezed as he pulled Sasha along. “Sasha ain’t exactly a lightweight!”

Sasha slapped him. “ ばか ！！！！” she yelled. She watched too much anime earlier. She always tended to yell in Japanese when she watched anime just a few hours before.

“Ouch! I know I’m an idiot, Sasha, but you don’t have to slap me w _ hen we’re being chased by ACTUAL CANNIBAL SHIA LABEOUF _ .”

“Shit,  _ he’s following us _ !!” Eren yelled.

“No shit, Jean!”

“Fuck off, Watson!”

“Give him Juan!!! He hasn’t spoken in a while!!!!!!!” Connie suggested.

“Who the  _ fuck _ is Juan??!?”

“Our waiter!” Mikasa answered. 

Back at the restaurant, which was still ten feet away, Juan screamed. He, too, was allergic to the onions for reasons he didn’t like to admit. 

“HE PEED HIS PANTS ‘CUZ HE’S ALLERGIC TO ONIONS!!” Eren laughed. “He’s a perfect sacrifice!”

“Why!! Are!! We! Using!!!! So!! Many!!! Exclamation!!!! Points!?!!!??!!!!????!!!” Sasha asked.

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Connie.

“...Figures. Let’s go! Turn back and surround Juan!! Mikasa and I will suffer through the tears, as long as we can sacrifice Juan!!” Sasha yelled.

_ And so, our dynamic duo -- wait, trio -- WAIT, QUARTET…….  _ **_WAIT, QUINTET!!_ ** _ That’s it, right? Just five? Yes? Good. And so, our dynamic quintet rushed back the ten feet to the restaurant and braved the terrible shoujo onion fumes!! Which had dissipated by the time they got there. _

Eren stopped first in front of Juan. Mikasa stood just a few inches away from him, Connie and Sasha on the other side of Eren, and Jean completed the pentagram around their waiter, Juan. They all leaned in very,  _ very _ close to Juan, who looked quite terrified.

“ _ Sacrifice, _ ” Mikasa whispered, a terrible glint in her eye. She was always the one to initiate their squad’s sacrifices; she used to have an obsession with the occult.

“ _ Sacrifice, _ ” Sasha joined in.

“ _ Sacrifice, _ ” Eren and Connie said with them afterwards.

“ **_Sacrifice,_ ** ” they chanted, Jean’s baritone voice completing the tone they required for the ideal sacrifice. A pentagram glowed beneath their feet, each person standing on a point of the perfect five-pointed star on the floor.

“ _ Architriclinu est ens sacrificium!!!! _ ” Juan screamed when he realized what was happening. But it was too late for him. All his words were automatically translated into Latin. He began to cry.

“ _ SA-CRI-FICE!  _ **_SA-CRI-FICE_ ** _!! _ ” the quintet chanted as a firey hole opened up beneath them. Shia LaBeouf neared, looking curious. 

Mikasa quickly made the cut off motion with her arms, like a dissatisfied conductor during band practice. “You have now been officially sacrificed!” she cheerily said, handing Juan a little business card that said, “ _ You have been sacrificed! _ ” as the firey hole into hell vacuumed itself closed. “Have fun with Shia!” she called, grabbing her boyfriend by the hand and sprinting away towards the Chinese restaurant that they hoped would hide them from any further Shia wrath.

“Goodbye, Juan, you complete fucking  _ walnut _ ,” Springles said in unison as they ran after Eren and Mikasa.

“Oi, wait for me! I can’t help that I’m the fifth wheel here and can’t help but to be left behind because y’all have your own significant figures!! Wait. No! I meant significant others!!!” Jean cried.

“Hey, Mikasa, can we sacrifice Jean, too?” Eren asked as they ran.

“ _ No! _ ” Sasha cried.

“He’s the easiest person to prank on this Earth! And do you realize how huge this earth is? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND PEOPLE WITH BRAINS WHO ARE EASY TO PRANK??” Connie added.

“Wow, thanks guys. I’m glad we’re friends,” Jean dryly commented. 

“Uh, guys, people are staring at us,” Eren pointed out. 

“WELL LET THEM STARE! SHIA’S GONNA BE DONE WITH JUAN ANY MINUTE NOW!!” Connie yelled in reply.

“HOW MUCH FARTHER UNTIL THE CHINESE RESTAURANT?” SASHA ASKED.

“I THINK IT’S ABOUT 500 YARDS?? THAT SHOULD TAKE US LIKE, WHAT, THREE HUNDRED WORDS TO GET THERE?” Mikasa answered.

"WTF HOW FAR WAS THIS RESTAURANT I THOGUHT IT WAS JUST DOWN THE STREET!" Eren yelled, still being pulled along by Mikasa and not the other way around, even though he secretly preferred being dragged around rather than vice versa.

“ _ ♪♪Hello, darkness my old friend♪♪, _ ” Jean sang, not quite out of tune, but definitely not good enough to no longer be of meme status.

"JEAN, NO! NOT THE MEMES!! MEMES KILLED MY CHILDREN AND DESTROYED MY CROPS!!!"

“Sasha, you don’t have kids. Or crops,” Eren confusedly said.

“Guys, I think we have to come to terms with the fact that we’re going to get  _ eaten by a cannibal named SHIA LABEOUF _ ,” Connie chimed in.

" **_MY FATHER WAS A MEME_ ** _!! _ " Jean vehemently argued.

"GUYS WE'RE BEING CHASED BY A **_CTUAL CANNIBAL SHIA LABEOUF_ ** _ CAN IT WAIT?? _ " Mikasa screamed.

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ Phew. Thank god it’s my line now. It’s been like, what, four hundred words?? NO, LONGER!! FIVE HUNDRED 58 WORDS!! BECAUSE INCONSISTENCY WITH NUMBERING IS AWESOME!! WAit! No! I’m not done narra-- _

Connie turned around to yell at Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. “HEY SHIA, IF YOU’RE GONNA EAT US,  **_JUST DO IT_ ** !”

“enOUGH WITH THE MEMES, GUYS!!” Sasha cried. “We are only  _ 508 _ out of the  _ 1284 _ words into the shitty fanfiction pitch that got us into this mess!!! We’ve got, like, 2.5k more words to go!!!! Can you SAVE THE MEMES FOR LATER???”

Everyone grumbled their agreement.

“Holy shit, a cannibal!! I’m gonna go meet him!” another Shia LaBeouf said from in front of them, running past the quintet to meet Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf. Epic music started playing from nowhere as the gang started running faster and faster to put some extra distance between them and the Shias, sprinting towards the Chinese restaurant as though their lives depended on it, which, of course, they kind of did. 

“ _ Weeeee’’’rreeeee gooooiiiiinnnggggg iiiiinnn sllooooowwww mooooootiiioooonnnn _ ,” Jean slooooowly noted.

“ _ Cuuuuuzzzz weeeee goooottaaaaa maaaattcchhh theeeee baaadaaaasss eeeepppiiiccc muuuusssiiiiccc flloooowwwiiinnnggg beeeehiiiiiinnndddd uuuussssss, yooouuuuu feeeeeeeellllll meeeeeeee? _ ” Sasha reeeepppliiieeeedddd, ssoouuuunnnddiiiiing noooooootably druuuuuunkkkk. Buuuuttt oooffff coouuurrrseeee thhhaaatt waaaasss juuuustttt htteeeee sloooowwww mooootioooonn doooiiinnnggg iiitttsss thiiiing.

“ _ Caaan weee stoooppp taaalkkiingg innn slooow moootioonn? _ ” Mikasa aassked, “ _ Itttt’’sss huuurrttiiinggg myy eeyyeeess _ .”

“Yeah, sure,” Eren said, and time resumed to normal just as he said it. 

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ Behind them all, there was an enormous explosion.  _

**_KABOAODFIHOIDUHAOSDIUFHADOIUHODIUHAIOPOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!!!!!!_ **

They were all flung forward the last three inches they needed to activate the automatically opening door into the Chinese restaurant.

“Oh thank  _ goodness _ !” Sasha cried. “I think I almost had an aneurysm those last couple paragraphs… wait, is this a strip club?  _ Are we safe from the Shias LeBeouf??? _ ”

“Would it be Shias LeBeouf, or Shia Leboufs, or Shias LeBeoufs, or Shia LeBeoufi, or, like, what?” Connie suddenly wondered.

“Shush. What I want to know is why there’s a giant, icy pool in the middle of this apparent  _ strip club _ ,” Jean replied.

“Oh, hello there!” a tall woman with ratty brown hair greeted them. “I’m Hange, and I own this strip club.”

“ _ Mx. Zoё??? _ ” our five protagonists yelled in unison, hardly able to believe that their 9th grade biology teacher was the manager-slash-owner of a strip club that was being advertized as a chinese restaurant.

“Mx. Zoё?” Hange said aloud, then pretended to smoke a cigarette (this is a rated T, if only for the language, fanfic, after all…). “I haven’t heard that name in  _ years _ .”

“Uh, Mx. Z, you still teach at Rose,” Connie pointed out.

“Whoever said a teacher couldn’t also own a strip club? What do you think we all do in our spare time?? Watch PBS???” Hange/Mx. Z snapped.

“I thought you guys lived at school,” Sasha piped up.

“ _ Anyway, _ ” Hange/Mx. Z said, doing what she did best: wrangling wild teenagers’ tiny attention spans back to the topic at hand. “Are y’all here for the strip club, the bar, or the brothel’s  **_~*ladies-of-the-night*~_ ** ?”

Eren spit out his imaginary water. “Mx. Z! Those aren’t words any of us ever expected to hear out of you!”

“Aren’t we a little young for  _ any _ of those things?” Mikasa asked.

“Well, if you jump into the icy pool in just your underwear, we’ll give you a free entrée and meal, but then you’ll have to pay 50% extra if you want dessert.”

“ _ FREE ENTRÉE AND MEAL?? _ ” Sasha cried, immediately pulling off her shirt and unzipping her pants in front of everyone. “Done and done!” 

“Sasha,  _ no! _ ” Connie lamented, but it was too late. He is always too late. Sasha had jumped into the pool in just a bra and boy shorts. 

She laughed. “The water’s great, guys! Totally worth a  _ free entrée and meal  _ at the bar~” she sang.

“If you stay in there for fifteen minutes more, you get a free robe and a coupon into the sauna,” Hange/Mx. Z added.

“Holy  _ shit _ ; Connie, free stuff!”

“ARE YOU GOING TO DISREGARD THE FACT THAT EREN AND MIKASA ARE HERE TOO, JEAN??”

“It’s not like we’re stripping naked. Relax, Connie. They can do it, too.”

Connie facepalmed, feeling like he was the only person with sense in the entire building.

Sasha sat back and floated lazily around in the ice pool. “Ah, man. I can’t wait to get all my free food.”

“You know, Ms. Braus, you can come out now and your free food now. No one’s stopping you. The fifteen minute deal is only for people who want to sit in the sauna,” Hange/Mx. Z told her.

“ _ Fuck yeah!! _ ” Jean called in the background.

“Aww, Mx. Z, you don’t need to call me Ms. Braus. This isn’t  _ school _ ,” Sasha teased as she climbed out of the pool and made a beeline for the bar. 

“I can’t wait until I finish these fifteen minutes in the ice water so I can sit in the sauna with some  _ baaabes _ ,” Jean dreamily said, floating lazily about on the surface of the pool.

“Uh, Mr. Kirschstein, I hate to break it to you, but you do not sauna with our  **_~*ladies-of-the-night*~_ ** . The sauna is only for other customers,” Hange said.

Jean began to flounder wildly in the water. “ _ What?? _ I sat in this ice pool for almost five minutes now! LET ME SAUNA WITH THE BAAAABES.”

“ _ Gaaaaay _ ,” Eren called from the snack bar.

“ _ That’s a slur,  _ **_Mr. Jaeger_ ** ; detention for you on Monday,” Hange snapped before turning back to Jean. “But, if you stay in the ice pool for ten minutes, you  _ do _ get a gift card to our app store.”

“For how much?” Jean keenly asked.

“Five  _ million _ dollars.”

“Fuck, man, I wanted babes.”

“Five million dollars can get you many babes,” Connie pointed out from the edge of the pool.

“Explain how,” Jean said, squinting at the bald boy.

“Money can be exchanged for goods and services,” Hange and Eren said in unison, then looked at each other and epically high-fived for saying the same thing  _ at the same time _ .

“Eren. Eren. Eren. Eren.”

“What is it, Mikasa?”

“Shia’s sitting right next to us downing little orange shots and wrestling a lumberjack. I think he’s going to puke soon.”

“WHAT??” Sasha screamed, luckily having swallowed her latest mouthful of food so that it didn’t spew everywhere. She jumped up and started running towards the pool to get Connie as she continued to stuff her face with food. “I thought he died in the Shiasplosion!!”

“What’s a Shiasplosion??!??!!” Connie squeaked.

“It was the explosion the Shias made when they merged and became  _ THE ULTIMATE SHIA LABEOUF!!! _ ” Sasha explained.

“Hey, Connie?” Jean asked the bald boy as they and Sasha ran half-naked out the door of the strip club.

“‘Sup, Jean. It’s not like  _ we’ve _ been in the same location for the last  _ thirty minutes or so _ .”

“Why didn’t you keep Sasha from stripping?”

“Ex _ cuse _ you, horse-face, I’m  _ right here _ .”

“It was just a splash. But Jean?”

“Yeah?”

“When you were eating that banana earlier, did you realize you were basically eating a yellow dick?”

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ I don’t get enough screentime for the amount I’m paid for this!!! Anyway, Jean paused in his tracks, despite the fact that behind him, there was utter chaos inside a strip club/bar/brothel because two Shias LeBeouf had merged into  _ **_THE ULTIMATE SHIA LABEOUF_ ** _. _

Jean softly gasped. “Am I gay?” he wondered aloud. “Wait. No, I liked Mikasa.”

Jean softly gasped again. “I’M BI!” he yelled.

“FINALLY YOU REALIZE IT!” Connie and Sasha yelled right afterwards.

“THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME REALIZE MY IDENTITY! THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH BISEXUALS IN THE MEDIA!”

“Okay,” Sasha panted, “Where’s Shia?”

“Last I checked, he was still in the restaurant, passed out in the bathroom,” Connie answered, equally winded.

“So where to?”

“ _ Eren’s house _ . Cuz it’s closest. And ‘cuz his mom’s really nice,” Jean answered, picking up his pace as he gained a second wind.

“ _ Don’t forget to do your homework, kids! _ ” Hange/Mx. Z called after them as they left, somehow still able to project her voice far enough out that Connie, Sasha, and Jean could still hear them from almost three blocks away. Because the speed of characters in narratives varies wildly depending on what the plot calls for.

“Wait, guys, where’s Eren and Mikasa?” Sasha asked after she read the sentence before last in which Mx. Z called out to the three of them. “Shouldn’t they be with us?”

“Last I saw, they were still in the strip club. Let’s hope they’re not doing the do in the sauna,” Jean grimly answered.

“I mean, they’ve got co--” Connie started, but Sasha clamped a hand over his mouth.

“Connie!” she hissed and looked into the camera, “There might be kids reading this fic!”

Connie pushed his girlfriend’s hand off his mouth. “Sasha, we literally have been saying ‘fuck’ at least once per page on this fanfic. I don’t think they’ll care if I say con--”

Sasha clamped her hand over his mouth again. “Author feels awkward talking about those kinds of things, so just roll with it.”

Connie rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine, whatever doesn’t get me erased from the story. Unlike Marco. Wasn’t he supposed to be in here at one point?”

The trio stopped and Sasha pulled the script out of her pocket. They all huddled around the script and quickly scanned it.

“Uhh, Marco’s mentioned, but even in the earlier drafts, he doesn’t appear,” Jean noted. “Stop trying to make it seem like this fic has changed at all from when the author frist typed it out! They have this weird rule with crackfics of no backspacing anything. Wow, she ust be really good at typing, since there are almost no typos or anything in here. Wait, that’s inconsistent pronouning. NOOO I’M GOING TO BE ERASED.”

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ JEAN! JEAN FOR PETE’S SAKE, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE ERASSED JUST BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A ‘THEY’ I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE BECAUSE I AM WRITING THIS MYSELF. YOU KEEP FORGETTING YOU DO NOT, IN FACT, HAVE YOUR OWN FREE WILL AND ARE BENDING TO MY EVERY WHIM.  _

“Anyway, Eren and Mikasa should be fine if they get caught by Shia as long as they promise their firstborn child to him, like that witch kind of thing,” Sasha said, folding up the script and putting it back in her pocket, getting back to the topic at hand.

“They’ll probably be eating each other, if anything,” Connie joked, causing his friends to break down in laughter.

“We’re so mature,” Jean wheezed. “Have any of the readers even  _ gotten _ this far into the fic? Like, a 1k word crackfic for April Fool’s day is one thing, but, uhhh… lemme check the word count for a second…  but a  _ 3787 word oneshot _ of pure crack?? I don’t think anyone can take it.”

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Connie.

“¯\\_(ツ)_/¯,” said Sasha.

“Oh hey, would you look at that,” Jean said, “We’ve conveniently arrived right in front of Eren’s house. I don’t htink anyone’s home, but I know exactly where Eren keeps his spare key.”

“You mean that thing around his neck?” Sasha asked.

“Nice callback to canon, but no, that’s for his basement. (ooh sick callback to canon, too, me). He keeps the  _ house key _ spare right… here.” Jean reached into a tiny little flower pot that looked like it shouldn’t have even fit his hand, let alone his arm up to his shoulder blades. 

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]:_ **

_ Jean unlocked the door and tossed the key back into the flower pot. He ran up the stairs into Eren’s room as Connie and Sasha made a beeline to the kitchen. Jean soon came down with Eren’s trumpet in hand, grinning. He blasted a few notes out. _

“Hey, someone get the oven door!” he exclaimed.

“I call the cool-ass sunglasses!” Sasha squealed, pulling Connie’s cool-ass sunglasses off his head and running out of the room.

“Aww man, that means I get the oven door!” Connie complained, then realized he got the most iconic part of the meme. “Aww yeah, I get the oven door!!” he crowed.

“ARE YOU READY??” Jean yelled to no one in particular, waving around Eren’s trumpet particularly precariously. 

“FUCK YEAH!!!!!” Springles answered from their respective places.

“Wait, uh, lemme pull up some sheet music,” Jean sheepishly said, pulling out his phone and googling “ _ freaks sheet music _ ”. He squinted at the blurry notes. “D-A-D-D-D-D-D-A-A-D-A-D-D-A,” he mumbled and put his phone down on the counter so he could read and play at the same time. Then he looked at the key signature and screamed. “FOUR FLATS??? WHAT IS THAT? CONNIE, WHAT’S FOUR FLATS IN A KEY SIGNATURE AGAIN?”

“Bro, I’m a percussionist.”

“SASHA??”

“Bro, I’m the  _ other _ percussionist.”

Jean pouted.

**_[EPIC NARRATOR VOICE]_ ** sighed.

“ _ It’s B-E-A-D, Jean, _ ” she said. “ _ C’mon, we’re in the home stretch of the fic. It’s almost midnight as I’m writing this. Cut me some slack and just finish it according to the script. _ ”

All of a sudden, before Jean could even  _ begin _ to blast the trumpet, Shia LeBeouf burst into the room, covered in blood and mad for more. Connie and Sasha simultaneously screamed, but Jean was prepared this time. 

“HIIIYAAAAA!!” he screamed, pulling a butter knife out of the utensil drawer and decapitating Shia LaBeouf with it.

Connie and Sasha gasped. “ _ YOU HAVE JUST DECAPITATED SHIA LABEOUF!! _ WE’RE  _ FREEEEEE!!!! _ ”

“Awww yeah!!” they cheered as Eren and Mikasa entered the house and began cheering too. Because there was a dead Actual Cannibal Shia LaBeouf in their kitchen.

And they all lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it to the end!! congratulations. you have my kudos. this was stupid to write, and probably an equally stupid read, but hey, as long as i made you laugh at some point, i'm good! it was probably really cringy hahaha i'm sorry if it was cringy. but crack is my specialty whoo boy.  
> man, i wonder where that fourth wall went in the end. *slowly sips milk*  
> kudos to y'all for getting through all this. i wrote this in one night WHOO BOY HAHAHAHA. g'night y'all. feel free to kudos or comment if you enjoyed, and as always, have a greaaat daaaay~


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